Relation-shits. All relationships struggle. Sometimes, it feels so bad to be in one, that we feel as the comedian Dane Cook jokes, that we're in a "relation-shit." I have never met a couple with a perfect relationship. All couples struggle. The reason is that when we are alone, we only have to deal with ourselves. We adapt to our own shortcomings, habits, and ways of thinking and doing things. We don't mind that we smell bad or haven't cleaned up our space in a while or aren't very organized with our time. But when we're in a relationship, we get feedback. We hear about our own issues from the outside. We are forced to deal with ourselves and our own issues, even when we don't feel like it. Because we either can't accept how we might affect others in a negative way or we're not ready to deal with that (or it's being presented to us in a way that is not easy to accept), we then become upset and blame our partners for pointing it out. Pretty consistently, we also project our own issues, many of which are unconscious or below our awareness, onto our partners, blaming them for what we in fact are doing. Boundaries can often become enmeshed as well, as couples sometimes lose sight of "Who am I?" versus "Who are We?" This can get pretty complicated, and it is often good to get the support of a couples therapist, who plays the role of mediator, coach, and communication facilitator.
In order for couples therapy to be successful, both members must come with an open attitude, and a little bit of humility, looking for a win-win solution for the couple rather than a win-lose solution for the individual. Have you ever heard the saying, “You have two choices in a relationship: you can be right, or you can be in love”? Improving your relationship is a spiritual thing, too, and involves caring for, showing up for, and helping someone you love, not just because you want something in return, but also because it’s the right thing to do. It's part of being a good person and leaving the world a better place than you found it. Is this an attitude you see yourself having? Ask yourself, why do I want couples therapy? Do I want both of us to be happy, or just myself? Do I care about both of our goals or dreams, or just my own? Am I just trying to change my partner to be more like me without caring if that will make him/her happy? Am I willing and able to give love before demanding I receive it? Can I be patient, kind, and forgiving?
If you can answer yes to these questions, you are ready for couples therapy. If not, you are likely needing to do more individual work before succeeding in couples therapy...or you might be in the wrong relation-shit.
What is Couples Therapy? Couples therapy is about coming to a safe space where the therapist helps you:
1) develop new guidelines and agreements for more effective communication, including expressing your needs and feelings in non-violent or aggressive or vengeful ways,
2) better understand and appreciate your differences, especially between Mars (male) and Venus (female) thinking, values, and behaviors,
3) learn each others' Love Languages and why it's so important to give these to your partner freely and openly, without being asked, and without keeping score,
4) learning to enjoy being together again, without always discussing the relationship, similar to how it was when you first started dating, and
5) become true partners by learning to seek win-win solutions that move the relationship forward, rather than seeking to prove yourself right, win the argument, and lose the relationship.
Couples vs. Individual Therapy. Sometimes, you may come to couples therapy after already seeing me for individual therapy. Sometimes, I may recommend individual therapy alongside couples therapy, if either or both members of the couple have a mental health issue that is affecting the relationship. This is important, because if either individual in the couple is not willing to work on their mental health issues, progress in improving the relationship will be limited. If you are not comfortable seeing me, you can always have another therapist, though I have found that having the same therapist--though it does sometimes present issues of confidentiality and fairness--can be more effective in moving the relationship forward. When members of a couple also see me for individual therapy, we will have a more detailed conversation about confidentiality to keep your individual sessions as private as possible while still working on improving the relationship.
I work very hard to be fair and impartial and to help couples preserve their relationship, if both of them are committed to it. Many therapists, on the other hand, cannot control their own personal biases, and often influence members of a couple to separate rather than work things out. If one or both members is very clear they are done with the relationship or need a break, of course I will support that, especially in cases where one or both members is being significantly harmed; however, I encourage them to consider their choices and all likely results carefully.
Payment. Medical insurance will only pay for therapy that involves mental health issues, so if the only presenting issue is relationship conflict, they will not reimburse, and the sessions have to be paid out of pocket privately. My current rates are [HERE]. If one or both members has a presenting mental health issue however, normally individual assessment and therapy will be recommended, and then couples work can be billed as family therapy. If a client is already being seen for individual therapy, couples sessions can proceed as family therapy alongside.
Click [HERE] to download and review the PhoenixWay Couples Agreement.
Click [HERE] to review and submit online the PhoenixWay Couples Confidentiality Guidelines.
Click [HERE] to download and complete Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages Profile/Assessment to better understand your personal love languages.
Click [HERE] to book your Couples Therapy session with me!
In order for couples therapy to be successful, both members must come with an open attitude, and a little bit of humility, looking for a win-win solution for the couple rather than a win-lose solution for the individual. Have you ever heard the saying, “You have two choices in a relationship: you can be right, or you can be in love”? Improving your relationship is a spiritual thing, too, and involves caring for, showing up for, and helping someone you love, not just because you want something in return, but also because it’s the right thing to do. It's part of being a good person and leaving the world a better place than you found it. Is this an attitude you see yourself having? Ask yourself, why do I want couples therapy? Do I want both of us to be happy, or just myself? Do I care about both of our goals or dreams, or just my own? Am I just trying to change my partner to be more like me without caring if that will make him/her happy? Am I willing and able to give love before demanding I receive it? Can I be patient, kind, and forgiving?
If you can answer yes to these questions, you are ready for couples therapy. If not, you are likely needing to do more individual work before succeeding in couples therapy...or you might be in the wrong relation-shit.
What is Couples Therapy? Couples therapy is about coming to a safe space where the therapist helps you:
1) develop new guidelines and agreements for more effective communication, including expressing your needs and feelings in non-violent or aggressive or vengeful ways,
2) better understand and appreciate your differences, especially between Mars (male) and Venus (female) thinking, values, and behaviors,
3) learn each others' Love Languages and why it's so important to give these to your partner freely and openly, without being asked, and without keeping score,
4) learning to enjoy being together again, without always discussing the relationship, similar to how it was when you first started dating, and
5) become true partners by learning to seek win-win solutions that move the relationship forward, rather than seeking to prove yourself right, win the argument, and lose the relationship.
Couples vs. Individual Therapy. Sometimes, you may come to couples therapy after already seeing me for individual therapy. Sometimes, I may recommend individual therapy alongside couples therapy, if either or both members of the couple have a mental health issue that is affecting the relationship. This is important, because if either individual in the couple is not willing to work on their mental health issues, progress in improving the relationship will be limited. If you are not comfortable seeing me, you can always have another therapist, though I have found that having the same therapist--though it does sometimes present issues of confidentiality and fairness--can be more effective in moving the relationship forward. When members of a couple also see me for individual therapy, we will have a more detailed conversation about confidentiality to keep your individual sessions as private as possible while still working on improving the relationship.
I work very hard to be fair and impartial and to help couples preserve their relationship, if both of them are committed to it. Many therapists, on the other hand, cannot control their own personal biases, and often influence members of a couple to separate rather than work things out. If one or both members is very clear they are done with the relationship or need a break, of course I will support that, especially in cases where one or both members is being significantly harmed; however, I encourage them to consider their choices and all likely results carefully.
Payment. Medical insurance will only pay for therapy that involves mental health issues, so if the only presenting issue is relationship conflict, they will not reimburse, and the sessions have to be paid out of pocket privately. My current rates are [HERE]. If one or both members has a presenting mental health issue however, normally individual assessment and therapy will be recommended, and then couples work can be billed as family therapy. If a client is already being seen for individual therapy, couples sessions can proceed as family therapy alongside.
Click [HERE] to download and review the PhoenixWay Couples Agreement.
Click [HERE] to review and submit online the PhoenixWay Couples Confidentiality Guidelines.
Click [HERE] to download and complete Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages Profile/Assessment to better understand your personal love languages.
Click [HERE] to book your Couples Therapy session with me!
